where's the kick when you need it?

having to re-evaluate everything about your life is not something i thought i 'd be doing at the age of 28. Sky diving, sure!looking to see what industry to explore and conquer next,definitely. settling down with the all elusive "one", also probable. but never having to question all the things ive done and feel like i have to stop doing them for fear they were bad, unsafe, too out of the box, too scary. it goes against my very belief of how to live!like inception, when you're not quite sure whats what and what's real and whats a dream..thats kinda like my life at the moment..everything's beautiful..but will it last and do i want it to if it means its not real.

woodwork people emerge with their opinions, meaning well but subconsciously projecting their fears, their personalities into their wishes. they say stay away from clubbing.stay away from smoking. change who you are, so we can heave a sigh of relief that you have become who we want you to be.also its good for you.

embrace god. take up yoga, be a nicer person, surround yourself with people, dont work. its good for you. nevermind that all things listed except for yoga, i wouldn't give a rat's ass' interest normally. but because im tired and not altogether there,i say okay. but there's a reason why i do the things i do.because i love it. i really really dont wanna be one of those people that lets their sickness define them. this i am certain. nor do i want to quit smoking because i don't do drugs and i dont drink *shock*horror*. and nothing replaces a good cigarette after a meal, or after sex, or when having a morning coffee.and anyone who tells you different is a dumbass.of course i realise its a very nasty vice, of course i realise the habit might kill,but the actual correlation studies between smokers and lung cancer are blur to blurry at most and scare tactics by pharmaceuticals (a huge ginormous business) just dont get me running to the electric replacements. it is amazing how advertising is alive and well, even in the healthcare industry. scaring people makes alot of money.

god. i see a god if there is one, in the love and care and the outpouring of love and emotional support i have been shown the past month. it is unbelievable the amount of calls and smses and emails and facebook notifications received, from people who know or who have found out and taken the trouble to bring food, to visit, to check in, to worry, to talk. the way they take on strength, they way they are protective of me,this is my miracle.the other is having amazing parents. despite the overwhelming grappling of trying to get over each other,or whatever it is thats going thru their minds.that in my opinion is more stress causing, the fact a decision hasnt quite been reached.and the fact they are wasting the remainder of their lives shimmy shammying over it. waking up everyday and feeling that now the possibilities are endless and everything, seriously, everything is possible is an overwhelming, humbling, happy, amazing experience. i have forgotten how to feel like this in a very long time.it is a precious feeling to have.

it's nice to observe that this year, perhaps because things have slowed down economically, people are taking the time to reevalueate their lives..its nice. let's get personal again cos we are nothing but a weave in a giant crochet blanket,the more we hang together the stronger we are, i'd like to think.

harnessing the wolf in me..

on the 21st, i had just come home from dinner when i felt the worst gastric pain in the world...usually dont suffer from gastritis so it was weird..was tossing and turning in bed till about 5am and thats when ann just said "let's go to the hospital i think you've got appendicitis". i was like "wtf??" cannot be lah! but kiasu. so we went.

doctor pressed here, pressed there, and then said yar...must be appendicitis. lets do a blood check and see.

hour later, blood test came out, white blood cells ok, which meant no appendicitis...but haemoglobin and platelet level was wayyyyyy down. normal range 150-450. mine's 20. (oooo, im special i thought!). then they admitted me and said they needed to run it by a haematologist.. which wasnt so special.

10am next day: blood test, drip and bone marrow extraction. suspected itp, needed to wait for marrow results in a week to be sure. waiting game started.

ITP stands for idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura. "Idiopathic" means that the cause of the condition is unknown. "Thrombocytopenic" means the blood doesn't have enough platelets (platelets are also called thrombocytes). "Purpura" means a person has excessive bruising. ITP is also sometimes called "immune thrombocytopenic purpura."

In people who have ITP, all of the blood cells are normal except for the platelets. Platelets are the tiny cells that form blood clots and seal minor cuts and wounds. A person who has too few platelets bruises very easily and can bleed for a long time after being injured. When the platelet count is very low, a person who has ITP might have nosebleeds that are hard to stop, or they might have bleeding in the intestines, or even bleeding in the brain with minor trauma.

basically, the itp couldve been caused by bone marow not producing enough platelets, or if bm was healthy then that means that something else was killing away all my platelets. naturally, since this is ling we're talking about, always must be the more drama diagnosis rigghhtt?:D

fast forward a week later, passed from haematologst to a rheumatologist. suspected lupus.

fast forward to today. we know for sure. its lupus.
Systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE) is the most common and most serious type of lupus. This kind of lupus can affect any of the systems of the body, including blood vessels, joints, kidneys, skin, the heart and lungs, and even the brain and nerves. Symptoms of SLE can be mild or severe. Common symptoms include:
Joint pain or swelling
Muscle pain
Fever
Red skin rashes, often on the face (also called "butterfly rash")
Unusual hair loss
Fatigue
Mouth ulcers (sores)
Numb and cold fingers and toes (Raynaud’s Disease)
How is lupus treated?

There is no cure for lupus, but treatments have improved in recent years. The kind of treatment you will need will depend on what symptoms you have and how severe your symptoms are.

If you have joint pain, sore muscles, or skin problems such as a rash, your doctor may recommend that you take nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs) such as ibuprofen (some brand names: Advil, Motrin) or naproxen (one brand name: Aleve). Medicine that is used to treat malaria, such as hydroxychoroquine, can also be helpful in treating symptoms of lupus and preventing flares. Some people have side effects from this kind of medicine, including problems with vision and muscle strength. Corticosteroids are another kind of medicine sometimes recommended to help with inflammation, but these medicines can have more serious side effects.

If you have signs or symptoms of lupus that cause problems in vital organs or the central nervous system (heart, brain and blood vessels), you will probably need stronger medicines. Stronger drugs also have the potential for more severe side-effects, and your doctor will want to monitor you closely. High-dose corticosteroids, such as prednisone, can be given by mouth or through a vein in your arm. Medicines that suppress the immune system (cyclophosphamide, azathioprine) are sometimes used to help manage severe symptoms of lupus. Both kinds of medicine can help control dangerous symptoms quickly and prevent more permanent damage. Sometimes they are used together so that the amount of each medicine is reduced. This may lessen the risk of side effects.

Because of the risk of side effects from medicines, your doctor may want you to stop taking certain drugs if your lupus symptoms go away for a time (into remission). However, even if you don’t have signs or symptoms, your lupus can cause problems later, like kidney disease and kidney failure, or atherosclerosis (build-up in the arteries) which can lead to heart attack or stroke. This is why it is important to maintain good health (reduce high blood pressure or cholesterol) and see your doctor regularly for check-ups.

MY ADVENTURES WITH MR ROIDS SO FAR:
i have put on 8kg already from the steroids i am on, i am sometimes pumped to concert level and sometimes so tired. there was one day i lost my ability to walk and another where i lost my sight.that was so not cool. my clothes cant fit. i cant drive, my joints and body hurts to high heaven sometimes, i sleep at odd hours, i am woozy and tired all the time (like not fully present), i eat 10 times more than i have, i fart 100 times more than i have but! i feel very zen for some reason..(probably a side effect from the drug but it feels very peaceful). also, im cutting down my smoking (this one still doesnt make sense to me, they might as well kill me now)

hopefully they'll lower the dosage for my meds in a month and then everything will go back to normal!:)

HOW YOU CAN DEAL WITH ME.
- NO WORRYING.it is inefficient and counter productive.
-food. and i dont mean healthy nonsence for rabbits, i want like spicy indian or like tai chow.
- withstand my periods of blurness,ive been told that my response period has slown down.
-add frontierville as an application on your fb and send me stuff.
- learn french and mandarin thru audio tapes..then tok to me!:D

thank you to all the outpouring of love and care and attention and patience you guys have shown. i am eternally blessed and you are the reason i dont think ive been scared at all thruout this thing.thank you thank you thank you.
ok sekian, terima kasih.
S.L.E.F.