where's the kick when you need it?

having to re-evaluate everything about your life is not something i thought i 'd be doing at the age of 28. Sky diving, sure!looking to see what industry to explore and conquer next,definitely. settling down with the all elusive "one", also probable. but never having to question all the things ive done and feel like i have to stop doing them for fear they were bad, unsafe, too out of the box, too scary. it goes against my very belief of how to live!like inception, when you're not quite sure whats what and what's real and whats a dream..thats kinda like my life at the moment..everything's beautiful..but will it last and do i want it to if it means its not real.

woodwork people emerge with their opinions, meaning well but subconsciously projecting their fears, their personalities into their wishes. they say stay away from clubbing.stay away from smoking. change who you are, so we can heave a sigh of relief that you have become who we want you to be.also its good for you.

embrace god. take up yoga, be a nicer person, surround yourself with people, dont work. its good for you. nevermind that all things listed except for yoga, i wouldn't give a rat's ass' interest normally. but because im tired and not altogether there,i say okay. but there's a reason why i do the things i do.because i love it. i really really dont wanna be one of those people that lets their sickness define them. this i am certain. nor do i want to quit smoking because i don't do drugs and i dont drink *shock*horror*. and nothing replaces a good cigarette after a meal, or after sex, or when having a morning coffee.and anyone who tells you different is a dumbass.of course i realise its a very nasty vice, of course i realise the habit might kill,but the actual correlation studies between smokers and lung cancer are blur to blurry at most and scare tactics by pharmaceuticals (a huge ginormous business) just dont get me running to the electric replacements. it is amazing how advertising is alive and well, even in the healthcare industry. scaring people makes alot of money.

god. i see a god if there is one, in the love and care and the outpouring of love and emotional support i have been shown the past month. it is unbelievable the amount of calls and smses and emails and facebook notifications received, from people who know or who have found out and taken the trouble to bring food, to visit, to check in, to worry, to talk. the way they take on strength, they way they are protective of me,this is my miracle.the other is having amazing parents. despite the overwhelming grappling of trying to get over each other,or whatever it is thats going thru their minds.that in my opinion is more stress causing, the fact a decision hasnt quite been reached.and the fact they are wasting the remainder of their lives shimmy shammying over it. waking up everyday and feeling that now the possibilities are endless and everything, seriously, everything is possible is an overwhelming, humbling, happy, amazing experience. i have forgotten how to feel like this in a very long time.it is a precious feeling to have.

it's nice to observe that this year, perhaps because things have slowed down economically, people are taking the time to reevalueate their lives..its nice. let's get personal again cos we are nothing but a weave in a giant crochet blanket,the more we hang together the stronger we are, i'd like to think.